Had a rather depressing thought last night....

Hmm...I had a rather depressing thought last night..........

It kinda occurred to me that I have absolutely nothing to show for the past 4 years of my life. All the time I've been out of high school....and I have nothing to show for it. I've achieved nothing in that time. Nothing in my life has changed...at least, not for the better.


for one, I'm still stuck in the same shit job (well, technically I'm BACK at the same shit job, but that doesn't make a difference.......or maybe it's worse). My life hasn't changed at all for the past 20% or so of my life....and if anything it seems to be going backwards, at least lately anyway......

Socially things are worse..........people have either moved away, become antisocial or work too much....and I haven't made any new friends at all since school......and my relationships with other people haven't really changed anything worth speaking of............still always feel like i'm on the 'outer'......kinda there but nobody would notice if i wasn't......i mean, the number of people i can sms to see if they want to go out or do something i can count on one hand.....and the number who i can say i'm close to is much smaller than that.....

Personal development wise.......well, stammering's still a problem.....that's a limit on what i can do, personally, socially.......i can't really be that talkative, i'm kinda the one who listens to other people tell their stories, not talk too much about my own....not that i can ever think of anything worth talking about anyway (well, other people's lives seem more interesting than mine anyway). But just...kinda hard to exlain.......but everything that could be considered personal development.....confidence....initiative...assertiveness.....umm.....mental skills (kinda hard to explain what I mean by that one.......social skills.....attitude.........anything else you can think of that could be considered personal development.....well, i really don't feel like i've had any since i left high school.....and i know some of those areas have gone backwards.....

I think it's been thrown into perspective by realising that everybody who I associate with has something to show from the last 4 years.....I don't. A long-term girlfriend is all - but that started in high school, so in that sense nothing's 'changed'......I've become completely stagnant...which is depressing. Not even career wise. First year out of high school I had 4 years of uni to do. 4 years later I'm still at least 1 or 2 semesters from completion. I've transferred to a more enjoyable course at TAFE, which some may say is something, but all that's done is put ANOTHER 4 years of study ahead of me, as well as transferring my uncertainty about my future, my doubts about whether or not I can do this, or if I can get what I want out of it...and wondering what's going to happen in sever years time...all it's done is transfer that from one career path to another...so nothing really accomplished there either.

so yeah.......Feeling lately like I could've slept for the last 4 years, and I certainly wouldn't be any worse off....just don't feel like I've accomplished anything at all these last 4 years, not personally anyway, or in any other aspect...which is a depressing thought. That I've become completely stagnant and I don't even know how to change anymore.....Knowing you've done nothing since you left high school is a depressing though...