Eureka......

I feel compelled to write, though I don't quite know why. Perhaps it's because I just had a realisation, one which frightens me, and there's nobody online to talk about it with.

Actually had several realisations today, but this one scares me.

Feeling very emotional lately, in a massive slump, even worse than before.

It's an interesting mix of emotions through times like this. Self pity is always up there, as well as the standard sadness. Anger...rage....is constantly there....I think. An earlier (hard to tell where the slumps end really....occasionally I climb to a slightly shallower valley) I was very angry, and I blamed her for a lot of things. Even punished her for a lot of things. I've stopped that, and I've finally forgiven her for many things. But am I still angry at her? Why is there so much tension when we talk on msn? Barely a word gets spoken. There's no 'chit chat' or anything. I haven't even seen her for weeks...I'm feeling pissed off in general. Pissed off at the fact it just took me 3 goes to write 'Pissed'. Pissed off at the world, pissed off at myself. Just generally pissed off. Am I partly pissed off at her specifically, or just generally because she's part of the world? Do I still blame her in some way for my sufferances? Not consciously, but why is it so hard to talk to her?

And the other question is - why is it exactly the same from her end? Why can't she talk to me?

Was just trying to figure out if I'm taking things out on her again....or if I'm just acting more shitty/depressed when I talk to her on msn so maybe she'll have some idea of what I'm going through....even though she's going through hell of her own.

Don't quite know really. Finding it very difficult to analyse my thoughts and actions at the moment.

I can only remember feeling like this once before, and my anticipation was correct. Possibly twice, can't remember if I felt it the first time, but the realisation I had was also spot on then.

If I'm right this time......I don't know what I'll do, I really don't. I don't think I can afford to be right....

I still love her.

Just hoping that things don't pan out the way I think they will.....................................