HoldenMan's Gripes

What do you do when....

2006-08-18T12:50:00.000+10:00

What do you do when your world is constantly shrinking? When the only group of friends you've had since high school is all but dissolved, and there's nobody else? When there's nothing that you're a part of anymore? No circle of friends that you're in with?

When there's nobody you've got to do the stuff you want to do with friends? When you've never had much of a shared interest with anybody, never been able to do what you've wanted to do?

When every single day, every single activity - even something as harmless as going online - reminds you of what you don't have?

When you get a total of 4 messages on your birthday?

When that's usually more messages than you get in a month (except from one person in particular)

When the only time you hear your phone ring is because you can't find it so you're ringing it from the landline?

When the only email you get is from the University of Phoenix or CanadianPharmacy?

When you look back on your time at uni and realise you don't have a single story to tell? Not a single memory that you can recall with a chuckle?

When you've never even been in a situation where you just end up meeting people through a universal bonding experience, or a sense of belonging to something?

When even if you were you wouldn't know what to do?

When you have no idea how to break the cycle?

When you have no idea how to put yourself in a better situation? When every time you have it hasn't been any better, despite all hopes to the contrary?

When you've never felt that closeness or comfortableness that others seem to around even people they haven't known for that long?

When you don't know how to bridge the gap from 'that person in your class' or 'that friend of a friend' to 'acquintance'?

And when you're even at more of a loss as to how to bridge the gap from acquintance to friend? When you've never learnt how, and nobody else wants to make the first move?

When you can't even offer somebody 'you should come out for a drink with us sometime' because there is no 'us', there's just me?

When you know that when you're older you'll look back on your youth not with a fondness, but with regret?

When you feel like everybody else has got so much more life experience than you, and it leaves you feeling just so immature, like you're still a little boy?

When you don't know how to meet people because you've got nothing to offer them? Or you don't know how to offer them what little you've got?

What do you do when you're faced with the possibility that everything that ever went wrong with the best thing that ever happened to you was completely your fault? That it came from parts of your personality that you already recognise and hate, but you've never heard somebody else point them out before?

What do you do when you don't know if that's true or not?

What do you do when you're faced with the possibility that if it is true then the one decision you've held constant for 6 months is based on flawed premises?

What do you do when you don't know how to change that about yourself which you hate? When you can't rely on the influence of friends because to do that you need to make new friends - and it's those same problems which prevent that happening? And when those problems will forever prevent your happiness?

What do you do when everything somebody else suggests you try is something you've already tried, and failed?

What do you do when somebody else keeps getting what you want, what you need, and Life keeps rubbing it in, keeps kicking you in the kidneys while you're in a corner curled up in the foetel position, hoping the pain will go away, for just one glorious day?

What do you do when the only person you can tell this stuff to hates being that person?

WE WON!!!!!

2006-06-13T01:43:00.000+10:00

In 1945 Australia, as part of the Allied forces, defeated Japan and its allies in WWII.

In 2006 Australia defeated Japan again - but this time in something that really matters

Tonight Australia have truly made their mark on the world stage.

For Australia, making it into the FIFA World Cup is a historical event in itself - the last one was in 1974.

In that World Cup we were unable to put ball to net.

The build-up to the finals series in thie World Cup has been immense. The Australian team has been shrouded by history. That history was perhaps one of the defining characteristics of the passion surrounding tonight's match. Those 'SoccerWho?' commercials are an example of this - and had the desired effect of reminding us all that after our last World Cup appearance there is only one way to go - up. And tonight the team went up in spectacular fashion.

That same history that bound the nation also threatened to burden the team with hopes and dreams that they may not be able to fill. Indeed, at times the nerves seemed to be a factor. I daresay the Japanese team were hoping the pressure of history would weight the team down.

And when that Japanese goal was scored under very controversial circumstances you could almost hear the hearts of the Australian supporters simultaneously breaking. Even the team looked uncertain where to go from there. But they never lost hope. The fans never lost hope. And Guus Hiddink never lost hope.

And the faith of the supporters was repaid in glorious fashion when the first goal was scored out of almost nowhere by Tim Cahill. Perhaps one of the most emotional moments in Australian soccer when we scored our first World Cup goal - and the equaliser at that. I was jumping up and down so much that the cat got scared and bolted out the window.

After that the Australian team was recharged and came back with a vengeance. An astounding shot by Cahill - and beautifully set up by Aloisi. The keeper never stood a chance of reaching that - pinpoint precision to get it past the defenders. The feeling of scoring the 2nd goal - the one that took us into the lead...wow.......I don't think I'm the only person in Australia to be in shock.

But to score 3 goals - not just defeat Japan, but defeat them decisively...incredible. Magic. Pure Magic. Watching Aloisi run towards that defender, knowing he was about to wrong-foot him then run for goals, then watching him do it.....It was beautiful.

Brilliant substituting by Guus Hiddink - he should be given an Order of Australia Medal, or something. The effect he's had on the Australian team is incredible - and his strategy for the World Cup...he's a master at the game. Aloisi came on and received a yellow, set up one goal then scored one himself in less than ten minutes. That's exactly the impact you want from a substitute. After that first goal the Australians destroyed the Japanese defence; it's incredible what confidence in what you can do - as well as the realisation that you actually just did it (scored a goal) - can do. They didn't look nervous, cautious or on edge. They became lethal and the Japanese fell apart at the sight.

It feels awesome to be a part of something like this. This match is one that will always be one of the most important matches in Australian soccer. When Australia stepped up to the world stage of the 'beautiful game'. It represents a massive change in Australian soccer - one which has been in the making in the past few years with the change from Soccer Australia to the Football Federation Australia, and the dissolution of the National Soccer League to be replaced by the new-look, new-attitude Hyundai A-League. We've been listening to all sorts of talk about how Australian soccer is going to be bigger than we could ever dream - and this win symbolically represents the beginning of the culmination of all those dreams. This game, this win - this will give a nation not only hope, but faith - that finally we're not minnows on the world stage in soccer but we can become a power, we can become somebody to take notice of.

No matter what happens after this game, we've achieved more than we have ever achieved before - and more than we could dare hope for. I was cautiously optimistic (and probably somewhat biased) in anticipating a 2-1 victory. There's no way I could have expected such a decisive 3-1 win. I wouldn't have dared hope for such an impact. But god I hoped for it.

It's not often you get to feel like you're truly a part of history. But tonight that was what I felt - and I imagine a lot of Australians around the world felt the same. And I'm sure I'm among countless Aussies tonight to admit that I had tears in my eyes watching the Socceroos get a taste for victory in the FIFA World Cup.

Run for the hills!!!!!

2006-06-06T12:29:00.000+10:00

Well, today is 6/6/06, and I don't feel any more satanic than I do any other day. Somewhat tired, and slightly hungry, but not overl satanic. It's been raining all morning, but moreso the regular water variety, not the fire-and-brimstone variety. Nothing seems to be living that shouldn't be. Unless my car's playing dead to lure me into a false sense of security...

Kind of worrying when you consider that I'm sure there are people who seriously think everything'g going to turn pearshaped today......They seem to forget that we have a 6/6/*6 date every ten years. Oh wait, it's a zero, not some other number, so you can move it out of the equation and just make it 6/6/6...erm, ok, interesting logic. Still, that date happens every 100 years. Then there's the 6/6/66, which also happens every 100 years. Which reminds me, when DID the Great Fire of London occur?

According to wikipedia it was 2-5 September 1666....Although common word floating around the net is that it occurred on 6/6/66. Of course those obsessed with that number would argue that the Great Fire of London still occurred on something with '666', but if that number really was as satanic as made out to be surely there would've been more occurring that year?

On a further digression, didn't Dan Brown in one of the books...either Da Vinci Code or Angels and Demons, say something about 666 not actually being this scary evil number we've been led to think it is? That it's another perversion from the truth? I can't remember, and I couldn't be bothered reading those books again to find out.

On a lighter note, the following image is perhaps the most intelligent thing I've heard said about today's date. I got a chuckle out of it, anyway. Hope you do too.

On a lighter note....

2006-06-05T12:43:00.000+10:00

Watched the game last night, Australia vs Netherlands. Interesting....don't know how we got away with a draw.......

Had this posted on a refereeing forum I go to, I liked it.

It is just before the Australia v Brazil Group game at the World Cup. Ronaldino goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Australia. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered". Ronaldino looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldino goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Australia 0 (Ronaldino 10 minutes)". He is beating Australia all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - Australia 1 (Viduka 89 minutes)". They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Australia!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldino. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

Eureka......

2006-06-01T00:01:00.000+10:00

I feel compelled to write, though I don't quite know why. Perhaps it's because I just had a realisation, one which frightens me, and there's nobody online to talk about it with.

Actually had several realisations today, but this one scares me.

Feeling very emotional lately, in a massive slump, even worse than before.

It's an interesting mix of emotions through times like this. Self pity is always up there, as well as the standard sadness. Anger...rage....is constantly there....I think. An earlier (hard to tell where the slumps end really....occasionally I climb to a slightly shallower valley) I was very angry, and I blamed her for a lot of things. Even punished her for a lot of things. I've stopped that, and I've finally forgiven her for many things. But am I still angry at her? Why is there so much tension when we talk on msn? Barely a word gets spoken. There's no 'chit chat' or anything. I haven't even seen her for weeks...I'm feeling pissed off in general. Pissed off at the fact it just took me 3 goes to write 'Pissed'. Pissed off at the world, pissed off at myself. Just generally pissed off. Am I partly pissed off at her specifically, or just generally because she's part of the world? Do I still blame her in some way for my sufferances? Not consciously, but why is it so hard to talk to her?

And the other question is - why is it exactly the same from her end? Why can't she talk to me?

Was just trying to figure out if I'm taking things out on her again....or if I'm just acting more shitty/depressed when I talk to her on msn so maybe she'll have some idea of what I'm going through....even though she's going through hell of her own.

Don't quite know really. Finding it very difficult to analyse my thoughts and actions at the moment.

I can only remember feeling like this once before, and my anticipation was correct. Possibly twice, can't remember if I felt it the first time, but the realisation I had was also spot on then.

If I'm right this time......I don't know what I'll do, I really don't. I don't think I can afford to be right....

I still love her.

Just hoping that things don't pan out the way I think they will.....................................

Hitting a nerve....

2006-05-29T11:21:00.000+10:00

Isn't it funny how all it can take is just a single comment, or one little thing you read or hear, to remind you of everything that your life lacks and always has?

It's easy for something to hit a nerve. Even easier when that nerve is exposed to the world, no protective layers over it anymore. Don't know where those layers went, now that I think about it.

I've always occasionally kinda susceptible to hearing the wrong thing sending me spiralling, just a little thing which can set me off, but these days certain things take on such deeper meanings. Things which never would've bothered me before. But things which remind me of my pain..well, these days it's never far fromt he surface anyway.

Or perhaps it's because I've been reflecting a lot more over the past few months.

Though for the day: How can somebody who spends way too much time analysing and rationalising things possibly understand that which is specifically designed to override all rationality?

Oh, Brother

2006-05-28T22:05:00.000+10:00

Went to troppo last night (wow, something different). For once I didn't drive, so I got fairly drunk. Had to get up at 7 to ref but didn't really care. Pity I was the only one drinking. 4 people there and 3 drivers. Actually stayed for the ugly lights, though I was keen to kick on at mojos, nobody else was. I vaguely remembering asking a security guard if he thought the other guys should come with me to mojos...I think he was on my side (though he probably just wanted that drunk goose to get out of his club).

More talent at troppo than there has been lately, I wonder if that's due to the BB eviction parties? I hope so - coz that means we've got more of it. A couple of the times we've hit troppo lately it's blown, and at 1am it just died. Last night I don't think that was so much the case though, 1am rolled by without me noticing (that's a very short '1'...what font is this again?).

Shoot, the battery in my mouse just died....

Anyhoo, night peaked at 4 people, though only 3 went to trops, which is the normal number these days. Pete, myself, and either Keegs, Neil or Coote. Troppo pair plus guest. Good time though. As per usual I didn't do anything with a girl. Usually I seem to have some possible interest but no balls to try, or enough self-doubt to convince myself that I'm misinterpreting even the most obvious signals (was always good at that). Or maybe I'm just too scared to act on any, though of what I don't know. Perhaps it's just another situation I can get into where somebody can judge me? Regardless, last night I was actually feeling confident and somewhat intoxicated, though I still can't get into the 'the worst that can happen is she'll move away' frame of mind...I always care. When really the worst that can happen is that her big maori boyfriend and his bros...well, use your imagination. Actually, last night I don't think I got so much as a single glance...well, apart from the usual glancing around...nothing that I even felt could've been aimed at me. Other nights I at least get that....even if I don't do anything, it's nice to have that interest (remember that stage anybody?), I think that's what bugged me more than anything. That, and the realisation I get every time I go out that the singles scene has absolutely no place for me - I just don't fit in.

Or perhaps I'd rather that I didn't HAVE to fit in....

Perhaps I haven't hooked up because I don't want to, not really.........

..not with those girls anyway anway.

Still, it'd be nice to feel like I'm attractive (I'm not THAT bad looking, or THAT bad a dancer, or have THAT bad dress sence......am/have I?).....Pete at least got some hot girl dancing up against him, even if she was just teasing. And what was with that Asian anyway?

Still, at least Trops hurt less than it usually does, although certain songs still hit a nerve, and in the philosophical nature of the morning-after I was (like I do every day) wondering if I'm doing the right thing. And when the only time I'm ever happy is when I'm doing something I know I shouldn't be doing (read her blog if you don't know what I'm talking about).....

Still, was good to cut loose for a little bit...well, as much as I'm capable of cutting loose. I never was able to totally cut loose, just not me I guess. Good night was had though, even if it was 3am before I knew it.

Be interesting to see if different BB evictees attract different crowds. I can understand there being more girls at Karen. But as for her hot daughter, forgotten her name - when she gets evicted, will it be a bit of a wangfest (well, even more than usual)? Time will tell...

Greetings, from the Single Guy.

2006-02-08T23:51:00.000+11:00

Well, this is my first post as a single guy...

I've been meaning to blog for sometime......but I kept delaying it.....no excuse really. But I'm too depressed to sleep, and I've really got nothing else to do, which is also depressing.

So what is there to say? Been coming for a while...long time really. Although a few weeks before it happened I think it finally clicked that she was over being with me....I think I've subconsciously known it for months......but only a few weeks ago I got to the point where I had no reason not to finally admit it to myself. I hoped it was just a suspicion, and I was planning on talking to her about it face to face...but as it happened (completely unintentionally) when I did ask her about it, it was on the net, that Sunday night.

Following from that I think it's now pretty obvious whether or not my instincts were right. I just wish they were quicker, would've saved a helluva lot of pain and frustration over the last 4-5months or so.....When I get depressed about this I get frustrated, angry, ...but she already knows that...and most of the time I can't help but be understanding. I guess there's no point holding a grudge. Besides, I know it had to happen sooner or later - we can't go through our entire lives only being with one person, neither of us could do that.

I just wonder if she still feels the same way I've been feeling, especially over the past few days.

I think troppo on saturday night kinda fucked me up, it's been a little different ever since then. A little bit harder.

I dunno. Most of the time it's not depressing. A little painful, but not a depressing kind of pain. And we're still friends, getting along well, which is good. That's what I want, to stay close friends. Most other people are cynical, which is fair enough. I don't care if other people think we're making a mistake - by all mean, talk to us about it, that's what friends are for - but as long as everybody respects our decision that's all I ask. As I've said already, our breakup is different to usual. Because we were pretty much just friends before we broke up - and also because of Hawks nest. Giving each other space isn't an option right now. Maybe after Hawks nest we'll need it, but right now it isn't an option, and we don't need it anyway. But then again, we're probably going well as friends because we've been almost nothing more than friends for....god, I don't even know how long. I just don't know if I was too blind, stupid or weak to see the truth ages ago.

I guess I'll find out in the future sometime, if it ever happens again.

I wanna go cruising.

2005-11-30T15:43:00.000+11:00

I was sitting down sorting through some Christmas lights (figuring out which ones work and which don't - lotsa fun), so to keep myself amused I was watching a show on the Discovery channel about the world's best cruises. they picked a ship that they thought was the best in a number of categories - fastest, best accommodation, best onboard activities, most family friendly, best food, best service (the penthouse rooms come with a butler!)...etc.

Man, I really really really wanna go on a cruise now..........like, badly......................anybody else up for a cruise?

Finally!!!!

2005-11-20T23:05:00.000+11:00

Yeah, I know it's been a while. There's been a few times when I've been tempted to gripe about work again, but I was always too lazy.

But work is the subject of this post....

Finally got another job! (although everybody who reads my blog probably knows it by now anyway).

I've dropped off...probably about a hundred resumes and applications at dominos over the course of a year (well, during autumn/winter I kinda stopped, bit hard to find a job with my soccer commitments, doesn't exactly give anybody much reason to hire me).....I have to say, job hunting was starting to get very depressing, really fucking around with my self esteem...

But last week I got a call from John Ralph (Camera House at Fountain Plaza)...so I've had 3 shifts in the past week. I won't be working at Camera House, I'll be going to the Kodak store at Erina, start that this coming Saturday. So yeah, it's good. I actually get a challenge - not just from learning all the products, but also learning how to talk to customers (It's surprising how long you talk to customers at times) and sell the products. But I'm enjoying it - that sort of challenge is exactly what I wanted, something I wasn't getting out of Dominos.

I'm not sure if this is just a Christmas holiday job though.....either way I'll stick at Dominos as a fall back...just do 1 or 2 shifts a week.

I'm sure there was something else I was going to mention...ah well. Can't have been too important!

We love you Mariners, we do!

2005-09-17T00:05:00.000+10:00

Big few weekends for sport....

First off, Swans are into the grand final!!!!!!!!!

I kinda lost interest in AFL over the years, I started liking it again this season (and for the cynics out there, that was BEFORE I realised they were going well!). Good to see them in the grand final though, god win tonight, but they've gotta pick up their 3rd quarter, they ALWAYS get slammed in the 3rd quarter. Barry Hall could be in trouble with the judiciary though, they'll miss him in the GF, he's a good presence on the field.

But Mariners won....I don't konw how they did it, Sydney were the better team. Mariner's strikers suck badly, but they just seem to have occasional moments of....well....competence. Their discipline was a bid problem, they gave away close to 40 fouls, many more than sydney (obviously the ref isn't big on cautioning for Persistent Infringement either......). but the discipline was a big issue, you can't win big games with no discipline. You can't afford to give away that many free kicks in your defensive third. And you could tell that they were starting to get frustrated with having to defend free kicks all the time, but it was their own fault, I couldn't really disagree with any of those free kicks.

Still, good to see them win. Sydney got a crowd of 15 613...impressive consider the miserable conditions, with the rain.........makes you wonder what the mariners are doing wrong.........

By the way, check out this site for mindless fun:

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf

Brett the owner....

2005-09-15T23:45:00.000+10:00

Well, it finally happened!!!!

We got a pay rise at Domino's!!!!!

Now, keeping in mind that this is the first pay rise since petrol was 75c/L (if memory serves correctly).....

So how much did it go up?

twelve cents.

That's right. twelve measly cents. I'm not even going to start 'twelve' with a capital 'T' because it doesn't deserve it.

So that brings our Zone A allowance up to$1.40 (minor correction to my earlier post - the pay was $1.28, not $1.24).......I could tell you why that's so ridiculous, but all you have to do is remember my previous arguments and realise that the pay increase is about a sixth of the petrol increase. It's just a token pay increase, it's absolutely pointless. What makes it even worse is that this increase hasn't come from DPA, it's come from Brett. While effectively that makes no difference, it does mean that DPA still don't give a shit about their staff. But like I said, it's a token pay increase which also proves that the owner also doesn't give a rat's arse or else the pay rise would be something actually meaningful, it'd actually reflect the rising costs. So when I heard I was swearing and complaining a bit....and Nathan just pissed himself laughing and said he's never heard anybody complain so much about getting a pay rise....which I have to admit, was a funny way to look at it!

In explanation to the post, Brett own's 5 domino's stores and is typical of the person who owns 5 stores and still owes the bank money on all of them - ie, stingy as all hell. We don't even have enough hotcell bags now that our revenue has increased by over 250% since he took over, but we don't seem to be getting any more.....

As I was saying, one night Daniel (a manager) and I were on close and whinging about Brett, and we started singing to the tune of Bob the Builder:

Brett the owner....can he be stingy? Yes he can!!!
Brett the owner....can he pinch pennies? Yes he can!!!

That's about all I remember........people tend to go a bit mental sometimes on late night closes.....the lyrics don't exactly work, but they suit him, and it was damn funny at the time....

Had a rather depressing thought last night....

2005-09-14T22:53:00.000+10:00

Hmm...I had a rather depressing thought last night..........

It kinda occurred to me that I have absolutely nothing to show for the past 4 years of my life. All the time I've been out of high school....and I have nothing to show for it. I've achieved nothing in that time. Nothing in my life has changed...at least, not for the better.

for one, I'm still stuck in the same shit job (well, technically I'm BACK at the same shit job, but that doesn't make a difference.......or maybe it's worse). My life hasn't changed at all for the past 20% or so of my life....and if anything it seems to be going backwards, at least lately anyway......

Socially things are worse..........people have either moved away, become antisocial or work too much....and I haven't made any new friends at all since school......and my relationships with other people haven't really changed anything worth speaking of............still always feel like i'm on the 'outer'......kinda there but nobody would notice if i wasn't......i mean, the number of people i can sms to see if they want to go out or do something i can count on one hand.....and the number who i can say i'm close to is much smaller than that.....

Personal development wise.......well, stammering's still a problem.....that's a limit on what i can do, personally, socially.......i can't really be that talkative, i'm kinda the one who listens to other people tell their stories, not talk too much about my own....not that i can ever think of anything worth talking about anyway (well, other people's lives seem more interesting than mine anyway). But just...kinda hard to exlain.......but everything that could be considered personal development.....confidence....initiative...assertiveness.....umm.....mental skills (kinda hard to explain what I mean by that one.......social skills.....attitude.........anything else you can think of that could be considered personal development.....well, i really don't feel like i've had any since i left high school.....and i know some of those areas have gone backwards.....

I think it's been thrown into perspective by realising that everybody who I associate with has something to show from the last 4 years.....I don't. A long-term girlfriend is all - but that started in high school, so in that sense nothing's 'changed'......I've become completely stagnant...which is depressing. Not even career wise. First year out of high school I had 4 years of uni to do. 4 years later I'm still at least 1 or 2 semesters from completion. I've transferred to a more enjoyable course at TAFE, which some may say is something, but all that's done is put ANOTHER 4 years of study ahead of me, as well as transferring my uncertainty about my future, my doubts about whether or not I can do this, or if I can get what I want out of it...and wondering what's going to happen in sever years time...all it's done is transfer that from one career path to another...so nothing really accomplished there either.

so yeah.......Feeling lately like I could've slept for the last 4 years, and I certainly wouldn't be any worse off....just don't feel like I've accomplished anything at all these last 4 years, not personally anyway, or in any other aspect...which is a depressing thought. That I've become completely stagnant and I don't even know how to change anymore.....Knowing you've done nothing since you left high school is a depressing though...

Figures..........

2005-08-12T22:57:00.000+10:00

Well, Friday night...at home.....alone.......again.........come on the internet so I can pretend I'm not so alone.....

It sucks, I really really really really really really really want to do out and get drunk....I haven't been out since Canberra....I think this is part of the reason I've been down so much this past few days....or maybe it wasn't a causal factor, but it's relevant now....

Well, there's been a birthday, but that was a quiet night. Still enjoyable, but no clubbing or anything - and Keegan's/Nikki's last weekend, but we didn't go out or anything.

so yeah, I haven't been out or had much to drink for about a month now......I'm so keen....

But as it turns out, everything this weekend is against me. I worked 5:15-9 tonight.....could've gone out afterwards, except the team I coach is playing at Killarney Vale at 8am tomorrow morning...that means getting up at 6.......OUCH!!!!

And, what's more, I'm reffing an U/18 rep game tomorrow arvo (preceded by a line for an U/16 rep). That game is going to be tough, and it's going to be damn fast, I need to be on the ball (first U/18 rep game I'll have done) and need to have the energy to keep up...so, no going out tonight.

Tomorrow night there's a shindig at the Longhouse.....I'd be totally keen...........BUT I've got my 2nd field test for soccer in Penrith Sunday arvo - basically that means somebody watches me referee a Reserve Grade match and marks me on it, and if I pass I get a higher refereeing certificate....so, again, need to be on the ball. I'd still like to go out for a bit, but the Longhouse is a bit of a trek for an early night....I'll prob be tired from my rep game tomorrow anyway, so I'd need an early night to recover for my field test..so yeah.....doesn't seem promising. I'd go otherwise.......

So, if it wasn't for the combination of having the U/18 reps, the 8am game and the field test ALL in one weekend I'd be hitting it hard this weekend....heck, I don't even care if I'd be at the pub myself talking shit to a pot plant.

But yeah........although, I stick to the fact that I was one of only 2 people who bothered to go up to Keegan's, so nobody can say I'm dogging it this weekend - I actually have a legitimate, unavoidable excuse.

But I need to go out, I don't know how I'm going to last another week without it......not if this mood continues.........................

Just another post......

2005-08-11T12:12:00.000+10:00

Went to Keegan's last Friday. Unsurprisingly nobody else bothered to come up, so it was just Erin and myself headed up - had fun anyway. Gonna have to N/A from work every other week or so and make the trip down to see folks in the city.

Wound up at Nikki's, man I'm jealous of her place. Decent block of units - got pool, sauna, everything, good view from the rooftop, and walking distance from the CBD. I want to move out to somewhere like that so much.....at least then I'll be near some decent venues in the city, have choices other than beery, woodies and trops (they don't even deserve capital letters). Some naive part of me also thinks that if I moved out to somewhere in the city I'd actually have a life of some description, but then I realise I wouldn't be any less lonely in the city than I am now.......

I'd love to have a 9-5 job, believe it or not. Have weekends free, and no more night work. And money to burn. Not to mention the aforementioned benefit of moving out. a 9-5 job in the city would be sweet.......just browsing careeron and seek now, every full time job neads qualifications and/or experience..........damn.................

Now what am I going to do.......

DPA and the SDA can both go fuck themselves

2005-08-02T23:11:00.000+10:00

I was planning on blogging tonight....then I decided I couldn't be bothered...but now i figure, what the hey. It's time for a gripe (as if you couldn't tell by the name of this post).

Where do I start......

I hate my job.

Nope, not a place to start....that's stating a fact - that's introduction, argument and conclusion rolled into one......Need a better opening line.

Ah screw it, I'll just flow from there, I can work it.

Anyway, lately I've been really, really hating my work. I mean, not just in the fashion of everybody who works - I despise my job.
Why do I hate it so much, lately?

Severall reasons....

1) The pay. I worked for.....I think 7 hours last week, over 3 shifts, and I got paid around $100. That's right. You see, this is where the bit about the SDA comes in. As it happens, I'm not covered by an award. Industrial Relations don't even want to know I exist - I once rang them asking how they can justify permitting our pathetic working conditions, and (not surprisingly) they couldn't care less. Pretty much what I expected, but I just wanted to see what they'd say. As I was saying, we're not covered by an award. So all that basic stuff that applies to pretty much everybody else? Nup, nothing to do with me. Hence the 2 hour shifts. I can't remember what else at the moment though....

But the big thing is the pay. Now, if I worked in a normal store, I'd be earning around $15 -$16 an hour, roughly.

What's my hourly rate? $9.79. That's right, I get paid $9.79 an hour. And it doesn't go up with age - oh no, it goes up after 3 months, 12 months, and 24 months. But the highest is still something like $11 an hour.

Oh sure, we get delivery allowances.....Ok, our deliveries are in zones, based on distance. Zone A is up to a 7km radius from the store - straight line distance. Zone B is something like a 10km radius (we don't do Zone C). Zone A deliveries, we get $1.24 per. Zone B, $1.54 per.

Think about it.....petrol is averaging $1.18.9 per litre at the moment. We get 6c taken off each delivery for insurance (yes, we have to pay for our own insurance on the road.....). So that means if I use exactly 1L of fuel I'm 0.9c out of pocket.

What's the fuel efficiency of my car? Around 10-11km per litre. Keep in mind that because I'm driving short distances, and stopping every few kilometres or so and turning the car off it goes through more petrol (don't forget, starting the car uses more fuel than idling). let's say, 10km a litre, that'll do nicely. Now, as I said, Zone A deliveries are up to a 7km radius - straight line. That means up to 14km round trip - straight line distance. Keep in mind that I'm driving a car, not flying a plane, so straight line distances don't mean jack to me. So, worst case scenario, we could allow for, say an extra 2km each way. Up to 18km round trip for a Zone A delivery. And I get $1.18 (after insurance has been taken out). So, for the deliveries to the far areas of Zone A I can actually lose money. And I haven't even take into account the wear and tear, as well as the average costs of green slip, registration, comprehensive insurance and services per kilometre. So, it's quite possible to make a loss on a delivery.

Fortunately, most deliveries aren't that far, (I'll have to see where our furthest Zone A is, actually, I'll get back to you on that), and often we do take double deliveries, or occasionally triples (we get paid the allowance for each one), which is good. But even so, most of the allowance goes straight back into my car as petrol - not even taking into account other expenses. So we're getting totally screwed over. And, not surprisingly, the delivery allowances haven't been raised for years. When petrol was 75c a litre, it wasn't so bad.

But yeah...also, keep in mind that some drivers will have more fuel efficient cars, but other will have much less.......Completely fucked.

Oh yeah, another thing. We don't get extra pay on Saturday nights or Sundays. And public holidays? We get a measly double delivery rate. Considering they usually come on a Monday (our least busy day) this means fuck all.

And that's why I hate DPA (Dominos Pizza Australia) and the SDA. DPA for exploiting us, and SDA for permitting that exploitation in the agreement, which governs our pay and working conditions. I thought the union was supposed to protect us, not encourage us to be exploited? There must've been some under the table deals or something happening, because this is a fucking joke, I'm so sick of being fucking exploited. I don't even get to work on time anymore, if I'm 5min late then it's early. All the managers know this and none of them have said anything, I'll tell them to get fucked if they try give me a written warning for it. The way I see it, I don't get paid to do 2 hours work, not with those pay rates, so why the hell should I actually turn up for 2 hours?

And do you have any idea how much it sucks when you're out all day, and you've gotta come back home so you can earn a measly $25?????

And yes, before you say anything, I AM looking for another job. At the moment Centrelink are screwing me over, I'm slipping between the cracks in the system due to my uni/TAFE situation, so that's taking ages to sort out (I'll be happy when it is though - I'm up to 4 months backpay owing - long story). I've got reffing, but that's $100-$150 a weekend. Allow $20 -$30a weekend from that to go straight to food and drinks at the games. And after all my expenses, I really don't have much to play with. If I had a real job I could earn a week's pay in domino's in one shift. Actually, I could earn considerably MORE in one shift.....But yeah, I've made some applications, had no contact though...I'm gonna have to go drop off a stack of resumes at Erina this week.....hopefully get some xmas work.......it's bloody hard finding a job on the coast, and the reason I haven't been looking too much is with all the commitments of TAFE, and soccer....

Oh, somebody PLEASE give me a job!! I've realised lately it isn't just the pay that's depressing, it's the fact that I have zero responsibility in the job. I answer phones to a script, I deliver pizzas. There is absolutely no personal satisfaction out of it, and that's something I NEED in a job. Personal development, personal fulfilment - all of this is impossible in my current job. There is simply no avenue for it. No challenge, nothing. At least at Network Video I ran shifts so I had some responsibility there, and had to do a bit of visual merchandising (again, some responsibility, and a slight challenge, not much though) - and just had the responsibility of being in chargefor those few hours. Even at majestic, we were all the same 'rank', but I still had some responsibility, and had personal growth and fulfilment in those jobs. Nothing at Domino's, and that's a BIG reason why I hate it so much.

As well as everything else I mentioned.

And that's why DPA and the SDA can both go fuck themselves

Curse being inspired

2005-07-27T15:48:00.000+10:00

Looks like it's time to pick up my guitar again.....

I've attempted to learn guitar several times over my life, but I always give up when I get to about halfway through one of these 'beginner' tutorial books I've got. I know learning from a book or website isn't the best way to learn, you really need somebody to show you, but I couldn't be bothered paying for tuition...I'll figure it out. Keegan showed me a website that looks alright.

But it's thanks to Keegan that I'm feeling inspired to pick my guitar up...and also why I'm now browsing Ebay for electric guitars........I figure I might enjoy that more than trying to learn rock on this classical guitar my folks got me for Christmas....

Off to soccer training soon.........At least that gets me off the computer for once..

The Second Virtue

2005-07-25T23:59:00.000+10:00

Hmm......well, it appears that morals aren't absent, merely temporarily displaced at times - and can be recollected with the correct persuasion (ok, that just sounds like a cheesy line from a blackmail or torture scene in a hollywood movie, but that's the closest word I could come up with...it is midnight after all....I think the vocabulary section of my brain is already shutting down for the night).

Interesting point for philosophical debate - could morality be considered a virtue independantly of its constituents?

For convenience I'll allow it to be.

Which would mean that the second virtue to be of personal significance in this particular moment in time is:

Humility.

Whatever happened to Male respect?

2005-07-20T23:44:00.000+10:00

And why is it that I seem to hang around people who don't seem to have any issues with cutting another guy's grass?

A man's lawn's his lawn, whether he cuts it or not, and a few of us would do well to remember that (not criticising merely 1 person here, FYI).

Or perhaps I'm too old school, I'm out of date.

Or perhaps it's morals that are out of date (did Aristotle just turn in his grave?) - or is selfish hedonism the trend that the naughty oughties will be remembered by?

That's my gripe for today.

2005-07-12T21:07:00.000+10:00

Do you ever feel like your life, in absolutely every aspect, is going absolutely nowhere?

Time Travel Essay - AAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE

2004-11-18T23:26:00.000+11:00

I'm doing this metaphysics essay on time travel at the moment, and it's some crazy shit.

I was doing some readings for it and suddenly had an idea for a small example. Well, at the moment that example is now occupying 1400 words (essay is 2500-3000). What's worse, I don't have any structure, purpose or argument. I'm just writing stuff, listing one problem or paradox, overcoming that but leading to another. At the moment it's little more than a list of paradoxes with no structure or argument - NOT GOOD!

And what's even more, I think I'm losing track of the timelines and paradoxes this example has created! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEE

I keep trying to illustrate one point and end up demonstrating something else!

Ok, this is a very brief summary:

ok - Chris1 has never broken his arm. Xray, and memory proves this. he goes back in time to his 15th birthday and breaks the arm of his younger self, Chris2. As a result, Chris 1's arm was now broken all along, and now an X-ray will prove that, but how would that explain that his memories, while true, were of an event that never happened (not breaking his arm and playing football after his 15th bday - which Chris2 couldn't do as he had a broken arm!)

furthermore, As Chris2 has a broken arm, when he gets old enough to time travel he has no reason to break the arm of his younger self, so he doesn't.
Which means that Chris2 has memories and physical evidence (scarred bone) of a broken arm. But as he doesn't go back in time to break his younger self's arm (Chris3), it never happened
so again he's got false memories, he doesn't remember what really happened, and his physical evidence contradicts his false memories - his memories are simultaneously true and false. They're true memories of a non-event (which is paradoxical in itself).

you want to know what just really fucked me up though?

I thought I was going to show a way out of the loop until I realised that the only logical follow-on is this:

Chris3, not having broken a bone inhis life, gets to the point where he's able to go back in time. To prove you can change the past he decides to go back in time to break the arm of his younger self.............

So I don't know if it's a closed causal loop, open causal loop (if there is such a concept) or another type of paradox.....

Can anybody else figure out what the hell I just did? Coz somehow I gotta finish an essay out of it.......I don't even know what my point in these examples are anymore

But I've gotta finish it or else I'll get in trouble from my gorgeous girl :P

Camera Phones

2004-11-11T15:18:00.000+11:00

Ok, first gripe.
I thought it was going to be about speed cameras (dammit, took me 3 tries just to spell 'cameras' right), but not this time. Don't worry, I'm still goint to have a BIG whinge about them, but not today.

No, this is about camera phones?

Why camera phones? What have they ever done to me?

Well, nothing....yet

I was doing my philosophy (Business and Professional Ethics) journal(due 3 days ago), and I'm up to the bit on privacy issues. I did a search for 'privacy' on 'The Bulletin', and on article that came up was this:

http://www.bulletin.ninemsn.com.au/bulletin/site/
articleIDs/2139102A06378B0ACA256E3D001C5E4B

(copy and paste that entire lot into your browser if you can be bothered reading the article - i don't have time to learn how to link it properly, and the URL is so long it screwes up the blog layout)

In all honesty, it isn't surprising that people use these phones for sick and perverted reasons. Some people go to incredible lengths for their perversions - on the news months ago they were trying to talk to a bloke who walks around with mirrors on his shoes so he can film up ladies' skirts. So when you've got sick fucks (am I allowed to swear on here? who knows) like that, it's not surprising that people are abusing camera phones.

Hmm....you know, it's probably because I keep procrastinating like this that my journal is 3 days late, soon to be 4.

Anyway, as I was saying, recently there was an article in the news about somebody who got caught taking photos of girls on the beach...let me see if I can find it.....nope...oh well (why on earth doesn't news.com.au have an internal search engine?). Anyway, this guy was walking down the beach, taking photos of girls sunbaking topless (apparently. I don't think I've ever seen anybody sunbake topless...I'm obviously going to the wrong beach), and just your typical photos of girls at the beach, when the idiot actually leaned over one girl to get a photo. Her boyfriend noticed and grabbed him by the throat (as is appropriate). Police were called and he was charged (can't remember the outcome). While guys taking suspicios photos of girls using cameras with zoom lenses has come up, this is the first time those surf life savers have ever come up with the camera phone issue (that they know of), although they do keep an eye out for it.

Ok, one problem that springs to mind - the idea of using a camera phone to secretly photograph girls at the beach has just been publicised. I bet lots of guys with camera phones never thought of that before.

But, this IS a legitimate issue. Nightclubs are another spot - guys have been found to be taking photos of girls arses, or cleavage shots, at clubs and niteclubs. Jeez, can you imagine if you happened to stand there texting, and some drunk tool decided you were trying to take photos of his girlfriend? Could get messy. Although, it would be understandable - I don't think anybody would appreciate such photos of their female friends - if anybody tried that shit with my girl I'd stick that phone so far up his arse that every time he farts his girlfriend will be getting a text message.

That's assuming he'd get caught. The biggest problem with the phone cameras are:
1)They're small.
2)the phone is tiny. Pointing the back of the phone at somebody is a lot les noticeable than pointing a camera at somebody
3)You can do this but pretend you're actually texting somebody
4)They're silent

As camera phones increase, this problem will get worse. We're already seeing phones with 3MP sensors and 3x optical zoom - that's going to make some decent sized upskirt or cleavage shots.

So what can we do about it?

The bulleting is against regulation ,but I think that's bullshit.

As mentioned before, not only is a privacy violation involved, but there is also the concern of violence if people get caught, or merely suspected of being caught. Furthermore, once the image reaches the computer it can find it's way across the net, and it will be impossible to destroy.

I think that there needs to be laws specific to the use of camera phones - this will prevent possible loopholes in current laws.

Anybody caught with these sorts of images should be banned from using or possessing a mobile (or perhaps just a camera phone).

Certain places, such as changerooms, should be able to be equipeed with a device that activates a chip built in to these phones which would mean that the camera can not possible be used - this would mean the producstion standards for australian models would have to change. Although admittedly this would be a small measure - wouldn't work in shopping centres (escalators are one possible place for these perverts), bars, niteclubs, beaches, etc. So, not a great idea.

One problem mentioned before is the fact that these things are silent. Why not make it compulsory for all camera phones to have an audible shutter sound - one that can not possibly be turned off. This would mean slight changes to the camera firmware (however, that CAN be hacked), but I doubt there would be any need for a hardware change. This would make it a lot harder for these to be discrete.

Another possibility is for all camera flash phones to be equipped so that the flash goes off every single photo. Again, this would have to be a firmware modification meaning it can't be turned off. A very weak burst would mean it would make very little difference to exposure. However, it would help make it noticeable when somebody who's pretending to text has actually taken a photo of your arse.

These are all sorts of things that should be brought in NOW, while camera phones are just getting popular.

The governments, and phone companies, need to take responsibility for the problems their products may cause.

Yes, it's only a minority that's doing it, but a few minor tweaks, and ones that would make very little difference to the rest of us, would go along way towards eliminating this.

Then we just have to sort out the problem of people taking the same images the old fashioned way.